Self-promotion is the top reason for social media. Think about it, even those with no product to promote (besides their bodies), are still actively engaging in self-promotion every few minutes. That's what a selfie is (BTW, this selfie was taken by a woman who reportedly stole some guy's iPad and took her own picture). Why else would you curl your lips and look like an idiot while taking your own picture?
Really, I have to know.
Why is this a thing?
Anyway, here's a list of uses for your social media networks:
10) Keeping up with your friends (great link to an article on biology and facebook friends). Because let's face it, picking up the phone and actually conversing with someone is painful to say the least, especially with your more boring of friends (Oh, you know who you are. I believe we had a discussion about the weather once). Plus, you find out so much more on social media sights, like when they went to Las Vegas without you, and told you they were going to 'bible' camp. I knew those feathers weren't bible camp issued.
9) Stalking. Hell yes. I recently looked up an old flame. Good part, he's still alive, bad part, the woman he dumped me for is still his wife even though my last words to him were, "you won't last two weeks". (I had murder in mind, but he took my statement to mean, they weren't suited). Two kids later. 7 years of marriage later. And his entering witness protection, facebook has finally given me his location. Thank god for that NEARBY app. I'm coming, ______, I'm coming..... Huffington Post article on why you shouldn't stalk your date via facebook (cuz we need to be told this, apparently)
* I have never, nor will I murder anyone (knock on wood).
8) Being stalked (OH MY YES). This is where you need to makeup a fabulous online life, one that beats the crapfest you currently live. You know that you're somebody when some freak on the internet decides you are worth stalking. Pre-Internet I had a lovely stalker who would physically follow me everywhere. It was so comforting to know he was there...outside my window....with an ax. But now, no ax involved. Sure I still get hacked, but it doesn't have the same feeling.
* Stalking is not a joke. I am ashamed.
7) Posting videos that will always be online so you will never get old, and you will never die. Here's a nice list of 10 embarrassing videos off of youtube. Like tattoos, embarrassing videos have a way of burrowing into your skin and never leaving (unless you have laser removal which is fucking painful). People will see these videos. Think of the poor girl in the first Girls Gone Wild video, now marriage and with teenaged kids, who will see their mother make out with the woman they call auntie while dear old daddy lifts both women's shirts all for a string of beads and/or a too small t-shirt. That's totally hot.
6) Fame. You know that your popularity and really the reason for living at all is how many twitter followers you have, right? What's family and friends when you have 140 characters from a an army of spambots?
5) Interacting with celebrities. Okay, I get this one. Christopher Moore is my facebook friend (Screw you, Dave). So now when I'm at a dinner party, I throw out how tight the two of us are. How we talk daily. How he even invited me to his house in Hawaii, which he really didn't but I can find it on google maps, so there. I'm coming, Chris. I'm coming....
* Please don't stalk Christopher Moore. He's my favorite, but I swear I have no idea where he lives, nor do I plan to google map his whereabouts.
4) Food porn. Yes, you have every right to know what I ate for breakfast. That's why I posted it, silly. I also added it to pinterst, which as near as I can figure is twitter for the illiterate. I mean, reading 140 characters is a lot when you can't read. Oh, plus you totally wanted to see every shoe I own.
3) Finding out who your significant other is fucking. Let's face it, cheating at this time in history is risky, not because of STDs. What's a little herpes among friends? Anyway, if you cheat, you will get caught. It's just too hard not to sext your lover on your own phone, the one your girlfriend/boyfriend knows the password too. Plus all this messaging on facebook, it all leaves a trail. Be smarter people. Get a burner phone. Stay off the net. Stop going to Red Lobster (apparently the cheaters' preferred restaurant).
2) Snap-chat for those times when you really need to send a picture of your penis (I understand that sometimes one cannot resist the allure of the dick pic, but FYI, not really a turn on for the woman you send it too, especially when you accidentally send it to your grandma, not that she knows how to open a message on her big ass cell phone) This works best for senators and ex-quarterbacks. This site rules the selfies for it stays only as long as 10 seconds, unless some perv screenshots your tit pic and posts it on his porn site. Yep, you're famous now.
1) Blogging about bizarre things like social media, penis pics, Red Lobster as a cheaters paradise, Christopher Moore, Stalking, food porn, illiteracy, and finally how I'm going to post this to every social media site I'm on in hopes that people just, please, for the love of all that's holy, stop sneering at your mirror while taking your selfie.
Also, no more skinny guys chest shots with bandanas and flashes of cash you borrowed from your mommy.
This as been a public service message.
Any other social media ideas?
Friday, May 17, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
7 Reasons to Write
* Before I get started, CURSES! the first book in the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series is on sale on NOOK and probably soon on Kindle for the low price of $1.99.
And now for 7 Reasons for Everyone to Write:
Don't be fooled. I'm not about to give you a lame list about how writing is satisfying, and how if I didn't write, I would likely jump in front of a bus. These are reasons why EVERYONE should pick up a pen (like we use pens).
7) Writing is super fun and totally fulfilling. Just ask any writer. Ignore their haggardly appearance and monosyllabic response. I promise, it's awesome.
6) We are GODS! GODS I tell you. We create worlds, we vanquish people, we even get to rape in pillage when the mood strikes. What did you do today? Write a memo? Crunch some numbers for your boss? Well I crunched my boss under a bus! And then of course I wrote a nice memo to the rest of the company.
5) My day is often like a men's locker room. Yep. Not even kidding. I get to brag about that guy I banged last night or how large my character's penis is all the time. Know what else, if I wanted to experience a men's locker room (which is totally on my NEVER to DO Bucket List Unless It's a Hockey Team like the AVS) I could. People let us in anywhere to look at anything in the quest for 'research'.
4) And that brings me to research! The best word EVER. Guess what? As a writer, well you have to be a professional one, who at least tries to sell your stuff, gets to write off so much stuff in the name of research. Like a fabulous vacation to St. Thomas. Of course as a writer, you can't afford the fabulous trip, but still you could in all fairness eventually take a trip if you get a real job.
3) Murder anyone. (Do I really need the ON-PAPER part? Yes? Okay then. No real murder. Just the fantasy kind, but again, your boss can be toast in so many ways).
2) Air your dirty laundry. I mean it, if you piss me off, you are so winding up in chapter 8. Our whole argument about whether the statue of David needs a mankini will find it's way into my novel, and you will look like the absolute fool you are. I mean, just because it's stone doesn't mean we shouldn't worry about sunburn.
1) The love and adoration of EVERYONE. People respect writers. I mean, why not? We are the backbone of society. Without us, you couldn't poop, because you wouldn't understand that everyone poops. You love me, and you know it. But let's keep that our little secret, or you could read about it on page 173 of my next novel.
Writers, any other reasons why everyone should be a writer? Everyone, any reasons why you think we should quit faking like we have a job and get a real one?
And now for 7 Reasons for Everyone to Write:
Don't be fooled. I'm not about to give you a lame list about how writing is satisfying, and how if I didn't write, I would likely jump in front of a bus. These are reasons why EVERYONE should pick up a pen (like we use pens).
7) Writing is super fun and totally fulfilling. Just ask any writer. Ignore their haggardly appearance and monosyllabic response. I promise, it's awesome.
6) We are GODS! GODS I tell you. We create worlds, we vanquish people, we even get to rape in pillage when the mood strikes. What did you do today? Write a memo? Crunch some numbers for your boss? Well I crunched my boss under a bus! And then of course I wrote a nice memo to the rest of the company.
5) My day is often like a men's locker room. Yep. Not even kidding. I get to brag about that guy I banged last night or how large my character's penis is all the time. Know what else, if I wanted to experience a men's locker room (which is totally on my NEVER to DO Bucket List Unless It's a Hockey Team like the AVS) I could. People let us in anywhere to look at anything in the quest for 'research'.
4) And that brings me to research! The best word EVER. Guess what? As a writer, well you have to be a professional one, who at least tries to sell your stuff, gets to write off so much stuff in the name of research. Like a fabulous vacation to St. Thomas. Of course as a writer, you can't afford the fabulous trip, but still you could in all fairness eventually take a trip if you get a real job.
3) Murder anyone. (Do I really need the ON-PAPER part? Yes? Okay then. No real murder. Just the fantasy kind, but again, your boss can be toast in so many ways).
2) Air your dirty laundry. I mean it, if you piss me off, you are so winding up in chapter 8. Our whole argument about whether the statue of David needs a mankini will find it's way into my novel, and you will look like the absolute fool you are. I mean, just because it's stone doesn't mean we shouldn't worry about sunburn.
1) The love and adoration of EVERYONE. People respect writers. I mean, why not? We are the backbone of society. Without us, you couldn't poop, because you wouldn't understand that everyone poops. You love me, and you know it. But let's keep that our little secret, or you could read about it on page 173 of my next novel.
Writers, any other reasons why everyone should be a writer? Everyone, any reasons why you think we should quit faking like we have a job and get a real one?
Monday, May 13, 2013
10 Worst Writerly Advice
Over 13 years of writing, I've heard plenty of advice, some good, some bad. At first I sucked it all in, trying to please everyone. That lasted until I learned my voice and some craft. Now I pick and choose the advice I utilize in my writing. Here's a list of the top 10 BAD Advice I received throughout my career:
10) Avoid all adverbs. This seems to be a standard line from writers. While I don't disagree that when using an adverb, you might be weakening your verb or even telling rather than showing, but more importantly, the advice is crap because no writer should avoid all of anything. If your story calls for an adverb, it calls for an adverb. Use it. You surely won't spontaneously freakingly combust.
9) Literary writing is the only way to be respected as a writer. In many circles this is true. I've spent five years in academia fighting this bias. But at the end of the day, no matter what you write, you must respect your work, be it literary, poetry, erotica, mystery or romance. Don't let others define you.
8) "Your writing is campy. It won't ever sell." Yep. I heard this multiple times during my stint in jail, I mean, critique group. Just because your style doesn't fit someone else, doesn't mean either of you are less of a writer and/or have less of a chance of selling that work. Just as an FYI, all those campy novels, I sold, including the one that started my career.
7) Genre is about plot, literary is character based. Bullshit. All and every book you pen should be about both things. Readers want to see a character change, grow, and fully flawed. But they also want a character who does more than stare out the window and internally do all those things.
6) Traditional publishing is the only way to be respected as an author. Now this one's a bit sticky. In ways other authors still are not as accepting or even a little disrespectful of indie publication, even those who make millions. But you know what? Readers could care less. They don't know who is an indie author and who is a traditional one (Unless of course the editing is very bad). 7 years ago I used to believe in this hierarchy of traditional over indie authors, but now I find the whole idea ridiculous. Which bring me to the next bit of advice:
5) The more books you have published makes you a better writer than someone who hasn't published yet. Is the guy who wins the lottery a better financial wizard than you? That's almost like comparing Courtney Love to Mother Theresa for mother of the year.
4) Write what you know. If that was true or good advice, would we have Star Wars? Or any book interesting enough to read? Reading is an escape. We don't want to read what we know. We want what we don't know, what surprises us, what entertains us.
3) Focus on building a readership with social media, websites and blogs. Yes, all very important, once you have a book finished. Until then, focus strictly on writing the best damn book you can. That will get you a readership (hopefully). Please, please friend me...I am sooo veeerrrry lonely.
2) You have control over your career. I wish. You don't. You have control over what you write, when you write, how much you market, if you should self-publish or traditionally publish. But you have no control over what happens beyond that. You can't make people love your book. You can't make people give you awards. You can't make people give you money, unless you hit them with your kindle.
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1) Don't judge a book by it's cover. Worst advice there is. Books are most often first judged by their cover. Covers can make or break a book. Trust me, I know. I had a very hard time getting distribution to bookstores and engagement because of two frogs having a good time on the cover.
Even though it is the best cover ever, it also made it more difficult to promote. Colors also are proven to affect sales. Green for instance has a lower rate of sales. Interesting, right?
Oh, and one last one. Kill Your Darlings. I really don't suggest this. You will spend time in prision, plus, what's your sweetheart really ever done to you?
What's some bad advice you've gotten? Did you follow it?
10) Avoid all adverbs. This seems to be a standard line from writers. While I don't disagree that when using an adverb, you might be weakening your verb or even telling rather than showing, but more importantly, the advice is crap because no writer should avoid all of anything. If your story calls for an adverb, it calls for an adverb. Use it. You surely won't spontaneously freakingly combust.
9) Literary writing is the only way to be respected as a writer. In many circles this is true. I've spent five years in academia fighting this bias. But at the end of the day, no matter what you write, you must respect your work, be it literary, poetry, erotica, mystery or romance. Don't let others define you.
8) "Your writing is campy. It won't ever sell." Yep. I heard this multiple times during my stint in jail, I mean, critique group. Just because your style doesn't fit someone else, doesn't mean either of you are less of a writer and/or have less of a chance of selling that work. Just as an FYI, all those campy novels, I sold, including the one that started my career.
7) Genre is about plot, literary is character based. Bullshit. All and every book you pen should be about both things. Readers want to see a character change, grow, and fully flawed. But they also want a character who does more than stare out the window and internally do all those things.
6) Traditional publishing is the only way to be respected as an author. Now this one's a bit sticky. In ways other authors still are not as accepting or even a little disrespectful of indie publication, even those who make millions. But you know what? Readers could care less. They don't know who is an indie author and who is a traditional one (Unless of course the editing is very bad). 7 years ago I used to believe in this hierarchy of traditional over indie authors, but now I find the whole idea ridiculous. Which bring me to the next bit of advice:
5) The more books you have published makes you a better writer than someone who hasn't published yet. Is the guy who wins the lottery a better financial wizard than you? That's almost like comparing Courtney Love to Mother Theresa for mother of the year.
4) Write what you know. If that was true or good advice, would we have Star Wars? Or any book interesting enough to read? Reading is an escape. We don't want to read what we know. We want what we don't know, what surprises us, what entertains us.
3) Focus on building a readership with social media, websites and blogs. Yes, all very important, once you have a book finished. Until then, focus strictly on writing the best damn book you can. That will get you a readership (hopefully). Please, please friend me...I am sooo veeerrrry lonely.
2) You have control over your career. I wish. You don't. You have control over what you write, when you write, how much you market, if you should self-publish or traditionally publish. But you have no control over what happens beyond that. You can't make people love your book. You can't make people give you awards. You can't make people give you money, unless you hit them with your kindle.
.jpg)
1) Don't judge a book by it's cover. Worst advice there is. Books are most often first judged by their cover. Covers can make or break a book. Trust me, I know. I had a very hard time getting distribution to bookstores and engagement because of two frogs having a good time on the cover. Even though it is the best cover ever, it also made it more difficult to promote. Colors also are proven to affect sales. Green for instance has a lower rate of sales. Interesting, right?
Oh, and one last one. Kill Your Darlings. I really don't suggest this. You will spend time in prision, plus, what's your sweetheart really ever done to you?
What's some bad advice you've gotten? Did you follow it?
Friday, May 10, 2013
10 Reasons NOT to Date a Writer
Before I begin, a shout out to the wonderful Joe Clifford as he launches Junkie Love (great book) and the video trailer, which I hear is spectacular.
* Really, you should date a writer. We are super cool. (see Christopher Moore's Website)
Okay, here goes writerly friends. These are all the reasons those you love and/or carnally enjoy should avoid you like the...I was going to go with plague, but besides being cliche, it's more like avoiding you like pregnancy and/or burning when you pee.
10) You'll find yourself on page 57. Yep. That's you. That fight we had that one night. That weird sexual fetish of yours. All aired for everyone to read. *Coprolalia: Being turned-on by someone using profanity. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Oh, yea, you want me now.
9) We're never as good in bed as our hottest sex scene. I hear the denials now, but you know it's true. Scenes can last longer than 7 minutes. They can involve giving/receiving multiple orgasms (like crazy double digits) and words like "His prick was smooth, barely marked by the ridges and homely veins that other men had, like an ivory dildo" (From The Bad Sex Awards.). (I'm hoping to be a contender next year) We just don't have that sort of passion in us. We don't exercise and we barely leave the house. Our eyesight is shot from staring at the screen all day, so even if we wanted to find just that right spot, we couldn't anyway.
8) You will have to buy your own drinks/dinner. This one's pretty much a given. We are broke. You're lucky if you get a gas station rose/Snickers Bar on Valentine's Day.
7) We're actually pretty lame outside the written word. No charm. No flirty airs. This is why so many of us drink. So you will think we're more interesting and hopefully you'll be drunk enough to think our pasty skin and claw-like fingers are appealing.
6) We lie for a living. This is a big one. Guess what? I lied to you. More than once. I lied about that time I stayed out all night. I lied about my grandma dying for the fourth time to go to that club. I lied about that not being you on page 57.
5) When having sex with you, we are thinking about someone else. Or characters. Seriously, my hot guy character, Quinn, would last longer than that. And he sure as hell knows what foreplay is. He also doesn't smell faintly of onions.
4) Remember page 57...well....there's something else I have to admit. Page 176 is also about you or really, your mother. Yes, I know the villain looks like her. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have gave her that book for Christmas....
3) Social media is a necessary evil, sweetie (Please friend me. So lonely...). I am not talking to my old boyfriend, the guy you think page 83 is about, but really it's that sex scene on page 154. Yeah, we did that. In his car. I had bruises for weeks.
2) Having to admit to your friends, "Yes, my boyfriend/girlfriend has a book out. No, you probably never heard of it. Can we borrow some cab fare?"
1) This one is probably more me than others, but here it is anyway, I suck at relationships. Or as one of my friends recently said when he found out I just signed a book deal for a romance novel, "Who are you going to get to write the romance part?" Ouch.
Anyone have other reasons? Or maybe a reason why your lover actual loves you (besides your physical endowments).
* Really, you should date a writer. We are super cool. (see Christopher Moore's Website)
Okay, here goes writerly friends. These are all the reasons those you love and/or carnally enjoy should avoid you like the...I was going to go with plague, but besides being cliche, it's more like avoiding you like pregnancy and/or burning when you pee.
10) You'll find yourself on page 57. Yep. That's you. That fight we had that one night. That weird sexual fetish of yours. All aired for everyone to read. *Coprolalia: Being turned-on by someone using profanity. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Oh, yea, you want me now.
9) We're never as good in bed as our hottest sex scene. I hear the denials now, but you know it's true. Scenes can last longer than 7 minutes. They can involve giving/receiving multiple orgasms (like crazy double digits) and words like "His prick was smooth, barely marked by the ridges and homely veins that other men had, like an ivory dildo" (From The Bad Sex Awards.). (I'm hoping to be a contender next year) We just don't have that sort of passion in us. We don't exercise and we barely leave the house. Our eyesight is shot from staring at the screen all day, so even if we wanted to find just that right spot, we couldn't anyway.
8) You will have to buy your own drinks/dinner. This one's pretty much a given. We are broke. You're lucky if you get a gas station rose/Snickers Bar on Valentine's Day.
7) We're actually pretty lame outside the written word. No charm. No flirty airs. This is why so many of us drink. So you will think we're more interesting and hopefully you'll be drunk enough to think our pasty skin and claw-like fingers are appealing.
6) We lie for a living. This is a big one. Guess what? I lied to you. More than once. I lied about that time I stayed out all night. I lied about my grandma dying for the fourth time to go to that club. I lied about that not being you on page 57.
5) When having sex with you, we are thinking about someone else. Or characters. Seriously, my hot guy character, Quinn, would last longer than that. And he sure as hell knows what foreplay is. He also doesn't smell faintly of onions.
4) Remember page 57...well....there's something else I have to admit. Page 176 is also about you or really, your mother. Yes, I know the villain looks like her. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have gave her that book for Christmas....
3) Social media is a necessary evil, sweetie (Please friend me. So lonely...). I am not talking to my old boyfriend, the guy you think page 83 is about, but really it's that sex scene on page 154. Yeah, we did that. In his car. I had bruises for weeks.
2) Having to admit to your friends, "Yes, my boyfriend/girlfriend has a book out. No, you probably never heard of it. Can we borrow some cab fare?"
1) This one is probably more me than others, but here it is anyway, I suck at relationships. Or as one of my friends recently said when he found out I just signed a book deal for a romance novel, "Who are you going to get to write the romance part?" Ouch.
Anyone have other reasons? Or maybe a reason why your lover actual loves you (besides your physical endowments).
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
7 Things I Wish I Knew Before My First Book Deal
* This is about traditional publishing. Self-publishing has it's own pitfalls and successes (which I'll do a post on soon). I am in no way trying to ignore my indie brethren.
So here's the thing, I love writing, I love publishing, and I love hanging out and meeting new writers. I'm in no way bitching about being a writer. I just wish someone had told me the following things before I embarked on this, often fucked up, journey.
7) Getting published by a big NY publisher odds are over 300,000 to 1. Yes, reread that number. That's a lot of writers, many a hell of a lot better at writing than me, longing for a book deal.
6) As long as the odds are for getting a book deal, they're even harder when trying to find a good agent to rep your work. I am lucky. I have an agent. But it took me over 5 years of trying before I landed one. That's four manuscripts that didn't find an agent home (but did eventually find a publisher after I had an agent so always save your older works, just in case).
5) Rejection SUCKS. You knew this already, right? But when you're in the writing game, you get rejected a hundred times for every acceptance, at least I did. Before my first book deal, I accumulated over 1,000 rejections. I woke up in the morning dreading my email. Now after just signing for my sixth book, guess what? I still constantly face rejection. If not from uninterested editors, from reviewers, from organizations, for workshops no one wants me to teach. It's part of the job. How fucked in the head do we have to be to see this as part of our everyday?
4) People won't read your book. Want to make sure they do? You can't. You can try to promote and market it. You can try to create a buzz. But you can't make people read it. Even your own family. Or let's say, your best friend (yes, I'm look at you Dave).
3) You can't make people like you or your book. Let's say you put a book out, what do you want? As wide a readership as possible or the right readers? The answer should be the right reader. Yes, you'll make bucks if you get a wide readership, but you'll also have a vast majority of people thinking you and your books sucks. Focus on getting the right readers.
2) You will do all your own marketing and PR. Yes, your publisher might help at times, but more often than not, expect nothing, especially for a debut author with no following. Yes, a following does matter, sort of like size. If you don't have a 'fan'/friend base, who do you tell that you just released a new book? Start working on building readers now.
1) It's all pure fucking luck. I hope you are that 1 in 300,000. I hope you sell hundreds of thousands of copies, and when you do, remember I said it, and throw some cash my way. Sometimes you'll get a book deal, and it will go big. Sometimes it won't. Sometimes you'll do anything you can to sell books. Sometimes you'll sell two. This isn't a career for the weak of heart, nor is it for the short game. To be a writer, you must be crazy. To stay in publishing, I hope like hell you are.
So here's the thing, I love writing, I love publishing, and I love hanging out and meeting new writers. I'm in no way bitching about being a writer. I just wish someone had told me the following things before I embarked on this, often fucked up, journey.
7) Getting published by a big NY publisher odds are over 300,000 to 1. Yes, reread that number. That's a lot of writers, many a hell of a lot better at writing than me, longing for a book deal.
6) As long as the odds are for getting a book deal, they're even harder when trying to find a good agent to rep your work. I am lucky. I have an agent. But it took me over 5 years of trying before I landed one. That's four manuscripts that didn't find an agent home (but did eventually find a publisher after I had an agent so always save your older works, just in case).
5) Rejection SUCKS. You knew this already, right? But when you're in the writing game, you get rejected a hundred times for every acceptance, at least I did. Before my first book deal, I accumulated over 1,000 rejections. I woke up in the morning dreading my email. Now after just signing for my sixth book, guess what? I still constantly face rejection. If not from uninterested editors, from reviewers, from organizations, for workshops no one wants me to teach. It's part of the job. How fucked in the head do we have to be to see this as part of our everyday?
4) People won't read your book. Want to make sure they do? You can't. You can try to promote and market it. You can try to create a buzz. But you can't make people read it. Even your own family. Or let's say, your best friend (yes, I'm look at you Dave).
3) You can't make people like you or your book. Let's say you put a book out, what do you want? As wide a readership as possible or the right readers? The answer should be the right reader. Yes, you'll make bucks if you get a wide readership, but you'll also have a vast majority of people thinking you and your books sucks. Focus on getting the right readers.
2) You will do all your own marketing and PR. Yes, your publisher might help at times, but more often than not, expect nothing, especially for a debut author with no following. Yes, a following does matter, sort of like size. If you don't have a 'fan'/friend base, who do you tell that you just released a new book? Start working on building readers now.
1) It's all pure fucking luck. I hope you are that 1 in 300,000. I hope you sell hundreds of thousands of copies, and when you do, remember I said it, and throw some cash my way. Sometimes you'll get a book deal, and it will go big. Sometimes it won't. Sometimes you'll do anything you can to sell books. Sometimes you'll sell two. This isn't a career for the weak of heart, nor is it for the short game. To be a writer, you must be crazy. To stay in publishing, I hope like hell you are.
Monday, May 6, 2013
What's in a Name?
I had lunch the other day with a friend, yes, I have one, she is not imaginary either or the blowup kind. My friend and I talked about pen names, as in, should you write under a pen name?
Well, not-yet-published writers, my answer is HELL YES!
Take it from someone who messed up and used her own name for a series including frog fucking and smashed Cinderellas (under a bus, not drunk, even though both feel about right).
Here's the reason why you would use your own name, EGO, which, hey, is not a bad reason at all. It's great to have someone recognize you as a writer.
Now for the top reasons NOT to use your name:
1) Do you want to ever be employable again?
Being a working writer is great, but only a very slim percent of us can do it without working a day job or having a sugar daddy/mommy/sister/brother (if you're into that). So in case you're dumb enough to write under your own name, figure on any job you apply for (outside publishing/academia/porn (really all the same positions)) googling your name, coming up with all the messed up stuff you write, and never getting a call back.
2) The Internets:
See, it's really, really easy to find out lots, and lots of information, including where an author lives on the internets. Public records, once my favorite thing in the world when I worked as a PI, now scares me to my very toes. In case you didn't know, people are serious freaks. Don't bother to deny it. You need help. But my point is, it's not that fun when some guy shows up on your doorstep asking you to sign his very small penis.
3) To brand or not to brand, that's a fucked up question:
Most advice you'll hear from PR and marketing is about your 'brand'. So you ask yourself, what is my brand? For some it's zombies and drunken janitors/Evil impersonators (which is awesome) for others it's sparkly vampires (not as awesome). While I fully support branding as a means to market your work, I also find that once you brand your name, how do you write in other genres? I like humor, but I also love crime fiction. Those two do not blend. Not normally. Tim Dorsey is an exception, so is Dave Barry and a few more FL guys, but it's rare. So now that I have a F***ed Up Fairy Tale series, a series of crime/addiction fiction, and a couple of urban fantasies under my name my branding is fucked. Add in my most recent sale of a romantic suspense and it's all out the window. If I was smarter 3 years ago, I would've used a pen name for every series. But I'm not smart. Not even a little bit.
4) I write erotica:
Not that I do. But maybe one day I will want to. It wouldn't be embarrassment that would hold me back from using my name, but rather, having those closest to me knowing how pathetic my actual sex life can be. Seriously. No whips or chains involved. Well, not since I turned 40. I bruise like a peach.
I'm sure there are plenty more reasons, but I need a nap. This writing crap is exhausting.
So help me out writer-friends, got any other reasons to write under a pen name or not to use one? What did you decided on? What pen names would you choose?
Well, not-yet-published writers, my answer is HELL YES!
Take it from someone who messed up and used her own name for a series including frog fucking and smashed Cinderellas (under a bus, not drunk, even though both feel about right).
Here's the reason why you would use your own name, EGO, which, hey, is not a bad reason at all. It's great to have someone recognize you as a writer.
Now for the top reasons NOT to use your name:
1) Do you want to ever be employable again?
Being a working writer is great, but only a very slim percent of us can do it without working a day job or having a sugar daddy/mommy/sister/brother (if you're into that). So in case you're dumb enough to write under your own name, figure on any job you apply for (outside publishing/academia/porn (really all the same positions)) googling your name, coming up with all the messed up stuff you write, and never getting a call back.
2) The Internets:
See, it's really, really easy to find out lots, and lots of information, including where an author lives on the internets. Public records, once my favorite thing in the world when I worked as a PI, now scares me to my very toes. In case you didn't know, people are serious freaks. Don't bother to deny it. You need help. But my point is, it's not that fun when some guy shows up on your doorstep asking you to sign his very small penis.
3) To brand or not to brand, that's a fucked up question:
Most advice you'll hear from PR and marketing is about your 'brand'. So you ask yourself, what is my brand? For some it's zombies and drunken janitors/Evil impersonators (which is awesome) for others it's sparkly vampires (not as awesome). While I fully support branding as a means to market your work, I also find that once you brand your name, how do you write in other genres? I like humor, but I also love crime fiction. Those two do not blend. Not normally. Tim Dorsey is an exception, so is Dave Barry and a few more FL guys, but it's rare. So now that I have a F***ed Up Fairy Tale series, a series of crime/addiction fiction, and a couple of urban fantasies under my name my branding is fucked. Add in my most recent sale of a romantic suspense and it's all out the window. If I was smarter 3 years ago, I would've used a pen name for every series. But I'm not smart. Not even a little bit.
4) I write erotica:
Not that I do. But maybe one day I will want to. It wouldn't be embarrassment that would hold me back from using my name, but rather, having those closest to me knowing how pathetic my actual sex life can be. Seriously. No whips or chains involved. Well, not since I turned 40. I bruise like a peach.
I'm sure there are plenty more reasons, but I need a nap. This writing crap is exhausting.
So help me out writer-friends, got any other reasons to write under a pen name or not to use one? What did you decided on? What pen names would you choose?
Friday, May 3, 2013
I'll Make You Famous
So apparently you want to be famous. How do I know this? Well, you're reading this blog post titled, I'll Make You Famous, so either you want to be famous, or you're that fucking spammer from Malaysian who won't stop bugging me. Yes, I get it, you want me to buy LOU VITTON bags, but I'm a writer, I can't even afford the knock off version.
Anyway, so on to fame. How can you, meaning you, sitting there in your underwear reading this post, become famous? Do you mind infamy? Cuz that's a little easier. That takes a pressure cooker and some really fucked up views (too soon?).
If you want to be famous, let's look at how other celebrities have become celebrities:
1) Born into it:
So are your parents anyone cool? No? Moving on. (One of my friends' cousin is the spawn of one of the Manson family (one of the jailed ones) which I find absolutely fascinating, but my friend (you know who you are, you big freak) hardly feels the same. So my point is, fame is relative as is infamy).
2) Actual talent:
This is perhaps the smallest category of celebrity. Usually this is also the ones who suffer the most with the crazy. Want to know if you're in this category? Simple test. Have you ever spent time in any sort of institution? If the answer is yes, then you just might be delusional enough to think you have enough talent to make it in a world that loves talentless hacks and relies on pure luck.
3) Is your last name Kardasian?
I have no fucking idea why. Maybe see the aforementioned talentless hack/pure luck statement?
4) Pure fucking luck:
I believe this is the biggest category. The longer I'm in publishing, the more I trust in this. There is no magical marketing bullet. The books that rise to the top, they don't rise because they are better than another book, though they might be. They rise because they are positioned at the right place at the right time. A buzz is created and boom, you have a bestseller, or a new Hollywood hottie. It's all relative. Look at Stephanie Meyers. Twilight takes off, her next series, The Host, bombs bad. E. L. James, do you think 50 Shades is better erotica than others? Nope. Just right place at the right time. I'm not saying Brad Pitt isn't hot, I'm just saying, there are 20 as hot guys working as waiters in the same one mile strip that he was.
So does that mean you should give up? Stop trying and maybe start your own Manson family? Not so much. Even though I hear they had really good dental. Anything you can do to position yourself to be in that place at that time is good. But don't kill yourself, literately, to do it.
Or you could just write these fabulous blog posts no one ever reads....
Anyway, so on to fame. How can you, meaning you, sitting there in your underwear reading this post, become famous? Do you mind infamy? Cuz that's a little easier. That takes a pressure cooker and some really fucked up views (too soon?).
If you want to be famous, let's look at how other celebrities have become celebrities:
1) Born into it:
So are your parents anyone cool? No? Moving on. (One of my friends' cousin is the spawn of one of the Manson family (one of the jailed ones) which I find absolutely fascinating, but my friend (you know who you are, you big freak) hardly feels the same. So my point is, fame is relative as is infamy).
2) Actual talent:
This is perhaps the smallest category of celebrity. Usually this is also the ones who suffer the most with the crazy. Want to know if you're in this category? Simple test. Have you ever spent time in any sort of institution? If the answer is yes, then you just might be delusional enough to think you have enough talent to make it in a world that loves talentless hacks and relies on pure luck.
3) Is your last name Kardasian?
I have no fucking idea why. Maybe see the aforementioned talentless hack/pure luck statement?
4) Pure fucking luck:
I believe this is the biggest category. The longer I'm in publishing, the more I trust in this. There is no magical marketing bullet. The books that rise to the top, they don't rise because they are better than another book, though they might be. They rise because they are positioned at the right place at the right time. A buzz is created and boom, you have a bestseller, or a new Hollywood hottie. It's all relative. Look at Stephanie Meyers. Twilight takes off, her next series, The Host, bombs bad. E. L. James, do you think 50 Shades is better erotica than others? Nope. Just right place at the right time. I'm not saying Brad Pitt isn't hot, I'm just saying, there are 20 as hot guys working as waiters in the same one mile strip that he was.
So does that mean you should give up? Stop trying and maybe start your own Manson family? Not so much. Even though I hear they had really good dental. Anything you can do to position yourself to be in that place at that time is good. But don't kill yourself, literately, to do it.
Or you could just write these fabulous blog posts no one ever reads....
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