Wednesday, January 29, 2014

More Signs You Need Better Friends

Sometime ago, (don't ask how long, it's not like I follow this blog...) I wrote about the top 5 signs that you need new friends. The reasons varied, and honestly, just click the link and you can see them for yourself, so I won't recap, mostly because I'm lazy.

Which brings me to the first sign.

1) Your friends are fucking lazy like the blogger you are currently reading. They don't even try anymore. They used to put on a little lipstick (yes, I'm talking about you, Dave), dress up some when you'd go out. 

2)  When was the last time they asked about you? Really asked how you are doing? And better yet, listened to what you had to say. You are awesome. Why can't they see that? The selfish pricks. Maybe it's time to listen to the voices, and shove them into the wood chipper...

3)  Recreational pot is now legal. What do you need them for anymore?

4)  They refuse your collect calls from jail.

5)  They have children in the 3 - 10 year old range, and recently asked what you're doing next Saturday night.

6) You paid for the last three lunch/dinners/prostitutes. 

7)  They just finished a manuscript and are looking for a beta reader. Oh, BTW, I just finished a manuscript, and, if you're interested....

Any to add my much better friends?


  1. Number six is a jab at me, isn't it? Look, I told you, next time the hookers are on me. I swear! I mean, unless I lose my wallet again. You can't fault a guy for losing his wallet, can you?

  2. I thought after #3 you wouldn't mind so much, or react so violently to #7. Okay, premium from here on out. BTW...hey Ross...let's hang out. You sound fun.

  3. Dean, watch out for Ross. He may be fun, but you never know what's going on in the mind of a man who writes about ghouls and other critters that go bump in the night.

    I have some pretty good friends, but I could use a few who bake a lot of cookies and occasionally bring a dozen or so by the house. Peanut butter chocolate chip would be good. Regular old chocolate chip will do in a pinch.

  4. LOL, your posts always make me LITERALLY LOL. Well done.