Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Top 5 Least Favorite Gifts for Writers

Since Monday's post was all about what writers really want for the holidays, the following is a list of crap we don't want, at all.

Top 5 Least Favorite Gifts for Writers

5)  Pens, papers, other writerly paraphernalia from the 1880's.

For some reason, friends and family of writers think the best gift to give a writer is writing utensils, like fountain pens (who the hell uses a fountain pen to write a 100k in words?).  We use computers. Unless you want to buy me an iPad or laptop, leave the writerly instruments to us.

4)  Coffee mugs with witty comments.

Yes, I need something to drink my whiskey from, but coffee mugs with witty comments only make me feel that much less witty. If I couldn't think of that cliche crap, how do I expect to become a bestseller?

3)  Your friendship.

Okay, this might sound mean, but I don't need your friendship. I like it, don't get me wrong, but as a gift, it sort if sucks. If you really liked me, you would've bought me whiskey and/or read my last manuscript. But since you didn't even buy my last book, but rather asked me for a signed copy you could give to your mom, I'm done with you. Oh, you did buy me whiskey? Never mind. Come on over.

2)  Other writer's books on how to write.

Just fuck you!

1)  Herpes. 

Sort of self explanatory.

What would you not like to see in your stocking this holiday?


  1. I kid you not, I once got the most awful, cheap plastic clock labeled 'The Write Time.' And instead of actual numbers, each spot just says something like 'write' or 'edit' or 'get back to it.' Because we all know as writers that nothing's more inspirational than staring up at your clock.

  2. #1 is only self explanatory? Really? Come on, that's the gift that keeps on giving! And thanks for not posting any of my upcoming titles, FB page or webpage on your list. Even if it's number 6, it didn't show up here, where all the really cool writers hang out.

  3. Ha! So agree with number 2. Tired of people supporting me by giving me a book about writing. What? I'm not good enough now? And how would you know since you've never read anything I wrote? Of course, basically everything marketed for writers makes a bad gift for a writer: this is our career path, if we need something for our writing, we invest in that. Seriously people, give us money, alcohol, or word a day calendars (I love those things. Lalochezia is an awesome word)

  4. Copy paper. At this point in time, it takes me roughly 6 months to go through one ream of paper, so the last thing I need is paper. Come to think of it, paper in general is the last thing I need as it takes me almost a year now to go through a 150 page packet of lined paper.