What's the secret to never getting a bad review? This is a question authors get asked a lot. Hell, I've asked other authors the same question. "I don't know. I don't read reviews," some say with a benevolent smile. Others shrug their shoulders and say, "There is no secret."
Oh yeah? Wanna bet?
I'm about to let you in on the secret to NEVER getting a bad review again.
(Please note, using my methods will result in legal troubles and likely many years of jail time):
1) Find out where the reviewer lives and plant large quantities of meth in their closet, and then make an anonymous call to the cops.
2) Buy a subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and flip to the back pages where you will find, Men Seeking Gunmen ads. Hire a hitman. Be proactive though. You never know who will write that bad review, so make sure to off anyone who picks up a copy of your book.
3) Hire a hacker to hack PW website (amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kirkus, etc) and post your own review.
4) Threaten to boil a bunny. Nobody likes boiled bunnies. Nobody.
5) Write the perfect book, one that everyone, no matter what religion, political affiliation, height, weight or age group will love. Easy peasy.